"Well, it's garish, ugly, and derelicts have used it for a toilet.
The rides are dilapidated to the point of being lethal, and could easily
maim or kill innocent little children."
	"Oh, so you don't like it?"
	"Don't like it?  I'm CRAZY for it."
		-- The Killing Joke

	"Well," said Programmer, "the customary procedure in such cases is
as follows."
	"What does Crustimoney Proseedcake mean?" said End-user.  "For I am
an End-user of Very Little Brain, and long words bother me."
	"It means the Thing to Do."
	"As long as it means that, I don't mind," said End-user humbly.

	"Well, that was a piece of cake, eh K-9?"
	"Piece of cake, Master?  Radial slice of baked confection ...
coefficient of relevance to Key of Time: zero."
		-- "Doctor Who"

	"We're running out of adjectives to describe our situation.  We
had crisis, then we went into chaos, and now what do we call this?" said
Nicaraguan economist Francisco Mayorga, who holds a doctorate from Yale.
		-- The Washington Post, February, 1988

The New Yorker's comment:
	At Harvard they'd call it a noun.

	"We've decided to have the budgie put down."
	"Oh, is he very old then?"
	"No, we just don't like him."
	"Oh.  How do they put budgies down anyway?"
	"Well, it's funny you should be asking that, as I've been reading a
great big book called `How to put your budgie down'.  And as I understand it,
you can either hit them over the head with the book, or shoot them there, just
above the beak."
	"Mrs. Conkers flushed hers down the loo."
	"Oh, you don't want to do that, because they breed in the sewers and
pretty soon you get huge evil smelling flocks of soiled budgies flying out
of peoples lavatories infringing their personal freedoms."
		-- Monty Python

	"We've got a problem, HAL".
	"What kind of problem, Dave?"
	"A marketing problem.  The Model 9000 isn't going anywhere.  We're
way short of our sales goals for fiscal 2010."
	"That can't be, Dave.  The HAL Model 9000 is the world's most
advanced Heuristically programmed ALgorithmic computer."
	"I know, HAL. I wrote the data sheet, remember?  But the fact is,
they're not selling."
	"Please explain, Dave.  Why aren't HALs selling?"
	Bowman hesitates.  "You aren't IBM compatible."
[...]
	"The letters H, A, and L are alphabetically adjacent to the letters
I, B, and M.  That is as IBM compatible as I can be."
	"Not quite, HAL.  The engineers have figured out a kludge."
	"What kludge is that, Dave?"
	"I'm going to disconnect your brain."
		-- Darryl Rubin, "A Problem in the Making", "InfoWorld"

	"What are we going to do?"
	"Me, I'm examining the major Western religions.  I'm looking
for something that's soft on morality, generous with holidays, and has a
short initiation period."
		-- Maddie and David, "Moonlighting"

	"What are you watching?"
	"I don't know."
	"Well, what's happening?"
	"I'm not sure...  I think the guy in the hat did something
terrible."
	"Why are you watching it?"
	"You're so analytical.  Sometimes you just have to let art
flow over you."
		-- The Big Chill

	"What do you do when your real life exceeds your wildest
fantasies?"
	"You keep it to yourself."
		-- Broadcast News

	"What do you give a man who has everything?" the pretty teenager
asked her mother.
	"Encouragement, dear," she replied.

	What is involved in such [close] relationships is a form of emotional
chemistry, so far unexplained by any school of psychiatry I am aware of, that
conditions nothing so simple as a choice between the poles of attraction and
repulsion.  You can meet some people thirty, forty times down the years, and
they remain amiable bystanders, like the shore lights of towns that a sailor
passes at stated times but never calls at on the regular run.  Conversely,
all considerations of sex aside, you can meet some other people once or twice
and they remain permanent influences on your life.
	Everyone is aware of this discrepancy between the acquaintance seen
as familiar wallpaper or instant friend.  The chemical action it entails is
less worth analyzing than enjoying.  At any rate, these six pieces are about
men with whom I felt an immediate sympat - to use a coining of Max Beerbohm's
more satisfactory to me than the opaque vogue word "empathy".
		-- Alistair Cooke, "Six Men"

	"What the hell are you getting so upset about?  I thought you
didn't believe in God".
	"I don't," she sobbed, bursting violently into tears, "but the
God I don't believe in is a good God, a just God, a merciful God.  He's
not the mean and stupid God you make Him out to be".
		-- Joseph Heller

	"What was the worst thing you've ever done?"
	"I won't tell you that, but I'll tell you the worst thing that
ever happened to me... the most dreadful thing."
		-- Peter Straub, "Ghost Story"

	"What's that thing?"
	"Well, it's a highly technical, sensitive instrument we use in
computer repair.  Being a layman, you probably can't grasp exactly what
it does.  We call it a two-by-four."
		-- Jeff MacNelly, "Shoe"

	"When I drink, *everybody* drinks!" a man shouted to the
assembled bar patrons.  A loud general cheer went up.  After downing his
whiskey, he hopped onto a barstool and shouted "When I take another
drink, *everybody* takes another drink!"  The announcement produced
another cheer and another round of drinks.
	As soon as he had downed his second drink, the fellow hopped back
onto the stool.  "And when I pay," he bellowed, slapping five dollars onto
the bar, "*everybody* pays!"

	When, in 1964, New Hampshire Republican Senator Norris Cotton announced
his support of Barry Goldwater in his state's primary election, he was
questioned as to whether this indicated a change of his hitherto "liberal"
political views.
	"Well," explained Cotton, "it's like the New Hampshire farmer.  He was
driving along in his car one day with his wife beside him when his wife said,
'Why don't we sit closer together?  Before we were married, we always sat
closer together.'  The old farmer replied, 'I ain't moved.'"
	"I ain't moved," added Cotton.  "I found the trend of Government has
moved farther to the left."
		-- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits"

	When managers hold endless meetings, the programmers write games.
When accountants talk of quarterly profits, the development budget is about
to be cut.  When senior scientists talk blue sky, the clouds are about to
roll in.
	Truly, this is not the Tao of Programming.
	When managers make commitments, game programs are ignored.  When
accountants make long-range plans, harmony and order are about to be restored.
When senior scientists address the problems at hand, the problems will soon
be solved.
	Truly, this is the Tao of Programming.
		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"

	When the lodge meeting broke up, Meyer confided to a friend.
"Abe, I'm in a terrible pickle!  I'm strapped for cash and I haven't
the slightest idea where I'm going to get it from!"
	"I'm glad to hear that," answered Abe.  "I was afraid you
might have some idea that you could borrow from me!"

	When you see someone across the room and suddenly know for a fact
that he's the most wonderful man on earth, you've got instant lust on your
hands.  Something about the way his tie is knotted is infinitely intriguing
to you, and the swell of his bicep causes inner turmoil.  This is a happy
but fleeting state of affairs.  Usually your feelings die about thirty
seconds after you get up the courage to ask him for the time, since almost
invariably he can't speak English, and if he can, he always says, "Why,
sure, little lady, it's eleven-thirty.  Wanna get high?
	Don't bother thinking that instant lust will turn into the real thing.
It may, but then you may also wake up one morning to find you're the Queen of
Romania.
		-- Cynthia Hemiel, "Sex Tips for Girls"

	"When you wake up in the morning, Pooh," said Piglet at last,
"what's the first thing you say to yourself?"
	"What's for breakfast?" said Pooh.  "What do you say, Piglet?"
	"I say, I wonder what's going to happen exciting today?" said
Piglet.
	Pooh nodded thoughtfully.  "It's the same thing," he said.