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Fortunes

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=======================================================================
||								     ||
|| The FORTUNE-COOKIE program is soon to be a Major Motion Picture!  ||
||	   Watch for it at a theater near you next summer!	     ||
||								     ||
=======================================================================
	Francis Ford Coppola presents a George Lucas Production:
			"Fortune Cookie"
	Directed by Steven Spielberg.
	Starring  Harrison Ford  Bette Midler  Marlon Brando
		  Christopher Reeves  Marilyn Chambers
		  and Bob Hope as "The Waiter".
	Costumes Designed by Pierre Cardin.
	Special Effects by Timothy Leary.
	Read the Warner paperback!
	Invoke the Unix program!
	Soundtrack on XTC Records.
	In 70mm and Dolby Stereo at selected theaters and terminal
		centers.
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				FROM THE DESK OF
				Dorothy Gale

	Auntie Em:
		Hate you.
		Hate Kansas.
		Taking the dog.
			Dorothy
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				FROM THE DESK OF
				Rapunzel

Dear Prince:

	Use ladder tonight --
	you're splitting my ends.
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				SEMINAR ANNOUNCEMENT

Title:		Are Frogs Turing Compatible?
Speaker:	Don "The Lion" Knuth

				ABSTRACT
	Several researchers at the University of Louisiana have been studying
the computing power of various amphibians, frogs in particular.  The problem
of frog computability has become a critical issue that ranges across all areas
of computer science.  It has been shown that anything computable by an amphi-
bian community in a fixed-size pond is computable by a frog in the same-size
pond -- that is to say, frogs are Pond-space complete.  We will show that
there is a log-space, polywog-time reduction from any Turing machine program
to a frog.  We will suggest these represent a proper subset of frog-computable
functions.
	This is not just a let's-see-how-far-those-frogs-can-jump seminar.
This is only for hardcore amphibian-computation people and their colleagues.
	Refreshments will be served.  Music will be played.
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				UNIX Trix

For those of you in the reseller business, here is a helpful tip that will
save your support staff a few hours of precious time.  Before you send your
next machine out to an untrained client, change the permissions on /etc/passwd
to 666 and make sure there is a copy somewhere on the disk.  Now when they
forget the root password, you can easily login as an ordinary user and correct
the damage.  Having a bootable tape (for larger machines) is not a bad idea
either.  If you need some help, give us a call.

		-- CommUNIXque 1:1, ASCAR Business Systems
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			   1/2
	12 + 144 + 20 + 3*4                    2
	----------------------  +  5 * 11  =  9  +  0
		  7

A dozen, a gross and a score,
Plus three times the square root of four,
	Divided by seven,
	Plus five times eleven,
Equals nine squared plus zero, no more!
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			-- Gifts for Children --

This is easy.  You never have to figure out what to get for children,
because they will tell you exactly what they want.  They spend months
and months researching these kinds of things by watching Saturday-
morning cartoon-show advertisements.  Make sure you get your children
exactly what they ask for, even if you disapprove of their choices.  If
your child thinks he wants Murderous Bob, the Doll with the Face You
Can Rip Right Off, you'd better get it.  You may be worried that it
might help to encourage your child's antisocial tendencies, but believe
me, you have not seen antisocial tendencies until you've seen a child
who is convinced that he or she did not get the right gift.
		-- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
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			-- Gifts for Men --

Men are amused by almost any idiot thing -- that is why professional
ice hockey is so popular -- so buying gifts for them is easy.  But you
should never buy them clothes.  Men believe they already have all the
clothes they will ever need, and new ones make them nervous.  For
example, your average man has 84 ties, but he wears, at most, only
three of them.  He has learned, through humiliating trial and error,
that if he wears any of the other 81 ties, his wife will probably laugh
at him ("You're not going to wear THAT tie with that suit, are you?").
So he has narrowed it down to three safe ties, and has gone several
years without being laughed at.  If you give him a new tie, he will
pretend to like it, but deep inside he will hate you.

If you want to give a man something practical, consider tires.  More
than once, I would have gladly traded all the gifts I got for a new set
of tires.
		-- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
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			Chapter 1

The story so far:

	In the beginning the Universe was created.  This has made a lot
of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.
		-- Douglas Adams, "The Restaurant at the End of the Universe"
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			DELETE A FORTUNE!

Don't some of these fortunes just drive you nuts?!  Wouldn't you like
to see some of them deleted from the system?  You can!  Just mail to
"fortune" with the fortune you hate most, and we MIGHT make sure it
gets expunged.
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			Get GUMMed
			--- ------
The Gurus of Unix Meeting of Minds (GUMM) takes place Wednesday, April
1, 2076 (check THAT in your perpetual calendar program), 14 feet above
the ground directly in front of the Milpitas Gumps.  Members will grep
each other by the hand (after intro), yacc a lot, smoke filtered
chroots in pipes, chown with forks, use the wc (unless uuclean), fseek
nice zombie processes, strip, and sleep, but not, we hope, od.  Three
days will be devoted to discussion of the ramifications of whodo.  Two
seconds have been allotted for a complete rundown of all the user-
friendly features of Unix.  Seminars include "Everything You Know is
Wrong", led by Tom Kempson, "Batman or Cat:man?" led by Richie Dennis
"cc C?  Si!  Si!" led by Kerwin Bernighan, and "Document Unix, Are You
Kidding?" led by Jan Yeats.  No Reader Service No. is necessary because
all GUGUs (Gurus of Unix Group of Users) already know everything we
could tell them.
		-- Dr. Dobb's Journal, June '84
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			Has your family tried 'em?

			   POWDERMILK BISCUITS

		 Heavens, they're tasty and expeditious!

	    They're made from whole wheat, to give shy persons
	   the strength to get up and do what needs to be done.

			   POWDERMILK BISCUITS

	Buy them ready-made in the big blue box with the picture of
	the biscuit on the front, or in the brown bag with the dark
		     stains that indicate freshness.
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			It's grad exam time...
COMPUTER SCIENCE
	Inside your desk you'll find a listing of the DEC/VMS operating
system in IBM 1710 machine code. Show what changes are necessary to convert
this code into a UNIX Berkeley 7 operating system.  Prove that these fixes are
bug free and run correctly. You should gain at least 150% efficiency in the
new system.  (You should take no more than 10 minutes on this question.)

MATHEMATICS
	If X equals PI times R^2, construct a formula showing how long
it would take a fire ant to drill a hole through a dill pickle, if the
length-girth ratio of the ant to the pickle were 98.17:1.

GENERAL KNOWLEDGE
Describe the Universe.  Give three examples.
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			It's grad exam time...
MEDICINE
	You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze, and a
bottle of Scotch.  Remove your appendix.  Do not suture until your work has
been inspected.  (You have 15 minutes.)

HISTORY
	Describe the history of the papacy from its origins to the present
day, concentrating especially, but not exclusively, on its social, political,
economic, religious and philosophical impact upon Europe, Asia, America, and
Africa.  Be brief, concise, and specific.

BIOLOGY
	Create life.  Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture
if this form of life had been created 500 million years ago or earlier, with
special attention to its probable effect on the English parliamentary system.
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			Pittsburgh driver's test
10: Potholes are
	a) extremely dangerous.
	b) patriotic.
	c) the fault of the previous administration.
	d) all going to be fixed next summer.
The correct answer is b.
Potholes destroy unpatriotic, unamerican, imported cars, since the holes
are larger than the cars.  If you drive a big, patriotic, American car
you have nothing to worry about.
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			Pittsburgh driver's test
2: A traffic light at an intersection changes from yellow to red, you should
	a) stop immediately.
	b) proceed slowly through the intersection.
	c) blow the horn.
	d) floor it.
The correct answer is d.
If you said c, you were almost right, so give yourself a half point.
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			Pittsburgh driver's test
3: When stopped at an intersection you should
	a) watch the traffic light for your lane.
	b) watch for pedestrians crossing the street.
	c) blow the horn.
	d) watch the traffic light for the intersecting street.
The correct answer is d.
You need to start as soon as the traffic light for the intersecting
street turns yellow.
Answer c is worth a half point.
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			Pittsburgh driver's test
4: Exhaust gas is
	a) beneficial.
	b) not harmful.
	c) toxic.
	d) a punk band.
The correct answer is b.
The meddling Washington eco-freak communist bureaucrats who say otherwise
are liars.  (Message to those who answered d.  Go back to California where
you came from.  Your kind are not welcome here.)
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			Pittsburgh driver's test
5: Your car's horn is a vital piece of safety equipment.
   How often should you test it?
	a) once a year.
	b) once a month.
	c) once a day.
	d) once an hour.
The correct answer is d.
You should test your car's horn at least once every hour,
and more often at night or in residential neighborhoods.
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			Pittsburgh driver's test
7: The car directly in front of you has a flashing right tail light
   but a steady left tail light.  This means
	a) One of the tail lights is broken.  You should blow your
	   horn to call the problem to the driver's attention.
	b) The driver is signaling a right turn.
	c) The driver is signaling a left turn.
	d) The driver is from out of town.
The correct answer is d.
Tail lights are used in some foreign countries to signal turns.
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