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Edit 41 Type 0
	*** A NEW KIND OF PROGRAMMING ***

Do you want the instant respect that comes from being able to use technical
terms that nobody understands?  Do you want to strike fear and loathing into
the hearts of DP managers everywhere?  If so, then let the Famous Programmers'
School lead you on... into the world of professional computer programming.
They say a good programmer can write 20 lines of effective program per day.
With our unique training course, we'll show you how to write 20 lines of code
and lots more besides.  Our training course covers every programming language
in existence, and some that aren't.  You'll learn why the on/off switch for a
computer is so important, what the words *fatal error* mean, and who and what
you should blame when you make a mistake.

	Yes, I want the brochure describing this incredible offer.
	I enclose $1000 in small unmarked bills to cover the cost of
	postage and handling. (No live poultry, please.)

*** Our Slogan:  Top down programming for the masses. ***
Edit 42 Type 0
	 A Plan for the Improvement of English Spelling
			  by Mark Twain

	For example, in Year 1 that useless letter "c" would be dropped
to be replased either by "k" or "s", and likewise "x" would no longer
be part of the alphabet.  The only kase in which "c" would be retained
would be the "ch" formation, which will be dealt with later.  Year 2
might reform "w" spelling, so that "which" and "one" would take the
same konsonant, wile Year 3 might well abolish "y" replasing it with
"i" and Iear 4 might fiks the "g/j" anomali wonse and for all.
	Jenerally, then, the improvement would kontinue iear bai iear
with Iear 5 doing awai with useless double konsonants, and Iears 6-12
or so modifaiing vowlz and the rimeining voist and unvoist konsonants.
Bai Iear 15 or sou, it wud fainali bi posibl tu meik ius ov thi
ridandant letez "c", "y" and "x" -- bai now jast a memori in the maindz
ov ould doderez -- tu riplais "ch", "sh", and "th" rispektivli.
	Fainali, xen, aafte sam 20 iers ov orxogrefkl riform, wi wud
hev a lojikl, kohirnt speling in ius xrewawt xe Ingliy-spiking werld.
Edit 43 Type 0
	*** DO YOU HAVE A RESTLESS URGE TO PROGRAM? ***
Do you want the instant respect that comes from being able to use technical
terms that nobody understands?  Do you want to strike fear and loathing into
the hearts of DP managers everywhere?  If so, then let the Famous Programmers'
School lead you on... into the world of professional computer programming.

	*** IS PROGRAMMING FOR YOU? ***
Programming is not for everyone.  But, if you have the desire to learn, we can
help you get started.  All you need is the Famous Programmers' Course and
enough money to keep those lessons coming month after month.

	*** TAKE OUR FREE APTITUDE TEST ***
To help determine if you are qualified to be a programmer, take a moment to
try this simple test:
	1: Write down the numbers from zero to nine and the first six letters
		of the alphabet (Hint: 0123456789ABCDEF).
	2: Whose picture is on the back of a twenty-dollar bill?
	3: What is the state capital of Idaho?
If you managed to read all three questions without wondering why we asked
them, you may have a future as a computer programmer.
Edit 44 Type 0
	*** STUDENT SUCCESSES ***

Many of our students have gone on to achieve great success in all fields of
programming.  One former student developed the concept of the personalized
form letter.  Does the phrase, "Dear Mr.(insert name), You may already be a
winner!," sound familiar?  Another student writes "After only five lessons I
sold a "My Most Unforgettable Program" article to Corrosive Computing magazine.
Another of our graduates writes, "I recently completed a database-management
program for my department manager.  My program touched him so deeply that he
was speechless.  He told me later that he had never seen such a program in
his entire career.  Thank you, Famous Programmers' school; only you could
have made this possible."  Send for our introductory brochure which explains
in vague detail the operation of the Famous Programmers' School, and you'll
be eligible to win a possible chance to enter a drawing, the winner of which
can vie for a set of free steak knives.  If you don't do it now, you'll hate
yourself in the morning.
Edit 45 Type 0
	*** System shutdown message from root ***

System going down in 60 seconds


Edit 46 Type 0
	... This striving for excellence extends into people's
personal lives as well.  When '80s people buy something, they buy the
best one, as determined by (1) price and (2) lack of availability.
Eighties people buy imported dental floss.  They buy gourmet baking
soda.  If an '80s couple goes to a restaurant where they have made a
reservation three weeks in advance, and they are informed that their
table is available, they stalk out immediately, because they know it is
not an excellent restaurant.  If it were, it would have an enormous
crowd of excellence-oriented people like themselves waiting, their
beepers going off like crickets in the night.  An excellent restaurant
wouldn't have a table ready immediately for anybody below the rank of
Liza Minnelli.
		-- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
Edit 47 Type 0
	... with liberty and justice for all who can afford it.
Edit 48 Type 0
	7,140	pounds on the Sun
	   97	pounds on Mercury or Mars
	  255	pounds on Earth
	  232	pounds on Venus or Uranus
	   43	pounds on the Moon
	  648	pounds on Jupiter
	  275	pounds on Saturn
	  303	pounds on Neptune
	   13	pounds on Pluto

		-- How much Elvis Presley would weigh at various places
		   in the solar system.
Edit 49 Type 0
	A boy scout troop went on a hike.  Crossing over a stream, one of
the boys dropped his wallet into the water.  Suddenly a carp jumped, grabbed
the wallet and tossed it to another carp.  Then that carp passed it to
another carp, and all over the river carp appeared and tossed the wallet back
and forth.
	"Well, boys," said the Scout leader, "you've just seen a rare case
of carp-to-carp walleting."
Edit 50 Type 0
	A carpet installer decides to take a cigarette break after completing
the installation in the first of several rooms he has to do.  Finding them
missing from his pocket he begins searching, only to notice a small lump in
his recently completed carpet-installation.  Not wanting to pull up all that
work for a lousy pack of cigarettes he simply walks over and pounds the lump
flat.  Foregoing the break, he continues on to the other rooms to be carpeted.
	At the end of the day, while loading his tools into his truck, two
events occur almost simultaneously: he spies his pack of cigarettes on the
dashboard of the truck, and the lady of the house summons him imperiously:
"Have you seen my parakeet?"
Edit 51 Type 0
	A circus foreman was making the rounds inspecting the big top when
a scrawny little man entered the tent and walked up to him.  "Are you the
foreman around here?" he asked timidly.  "I'd like to join your circus; I
have what I think is a pretty good act."
	The foreman nodded assent, whereupon the little man hurried over to
the main pole and rapidly climbed up to the very tip-top of the big top.
Drawing a deep breath, he hurled himself off into the air and began flapping
his arms furiously.  Amazingly, rather than plummeting to his death the little
man began to fly all around the poles, lines, trapezes and other obstacles,
performing astounding feats of aerobatics which ended in a long power dive
from the top of the tent, pulling up into a gentle feet-first landing beside
the foreman, who had been nonchalantly watching the whole time.
	"Well," puffed the little man.  "What do you think?"
	"That's all you do?" answered the foreman scornfully.  "Bird
imitations?"
Edit 52 Type 0
	A crow perched himself on a telephone wire.  He was going to make a
long-distance caw.
Edit 53 Type 0
	A disciple of another sect once came to Drescher as he was eating
his morning meal.  "I would like to give you this personality test", said
the outsider, "because I want you to be happy."
	Drescher took the paper that was offered him and put it into the
toaster -- "I wish the toaster to be happy too".
Edit 54 Type 0
	A doctor, an architect, and a computer scientist were arguing about
whose profession was the oldest.  In the course of their arguments, they
got all the way back to the Garden of Eden, whereupon the doctor said, "The
medical profession is clearly the oldest, because Eve was made from Adam's
rib, as the story goes, and that was a simply incredible surgical feat."
	The architect did not agree.  He said, "But if you look at the Garden
itself, in the beginning there was chaos and void, and out of that the Garden
and the world were created.  So God must have been an architect."
	The computer scientist, who'd listened carefully to all of this, then
commented, "Yes, but where do you think the chaos came from?"
Edit 55 Type 0
	A domineering man married a mere wisp of a girl.  He came back from
his honeymoon a chastened man.  He'd become aware of the will of the wisp.
Edit 56 Type 0
	A farm in the country side had several turkeys, it was known as the
house of seven gobbles.
Edit 57 Type 0
	A father gave his teenage daughter an untrained pedigreed pup for
her birthday.  An hour later, when wandered through the house, he found her
looking at a puddle in the center of the kitchen.  "My pup," she murmured
sadly, "runneth over."
Edit 58 Type 0
	A German, a Pole and a Czech left camp for a hike through the woods.
After being reported missing a day or two later, rangers found two bears,
one a male, one a female, looking suspiciously overstuffed.  They killed
the female, autopsied her, and sure enough, found the German and the Pole.
	"What do you think?" said the first ranger.
	"The Czech is in the male," replied the second.
Edit 59 Type 0
	A group of soldiers being prepared for a practice landing on a tropical
island were warned of the one danger the island held, a poisonous snake that
could be readily identified by its alternating orange and black bands.  They
were instructed, should they find one of these snakes, to grab the tail end of
the snake with one hand and slide the other hand up the body of the snake to
the snake's head.  Then, forcefully, bend the thumb above the snake's head
downward to break the snake's spine.  All went well for the landing, the
charge up the beach, and the move into the jungle.  At one foxhole site, two
men were starting to dig and wondering what had happened to their partner.
Suddenly he staggered out of the underbrush, uniform in shreds, covered with
blood.  He collapsed to the ground.  His buddies were so shocked they could
only blurt out, "What happened?"
	"I ran from the beachhead to the edge of the jungle, and, as I hit the
ground, I saw an orange and black striped snake right in front of me.  I
grabbed its tail end with my left hand.  I placed my right hand above my left
hand.  I held firmly with my left hand and slid my right hand up the body of
the snake.  When I reached the head of the snake I flicked my right thumb down
to break the snake's spine... did you ever goose a tiger?"
Edit 60 Type 0
	A guy returns from a long trip to Europe, having left his beloved
dog in his brother's care.  The minute he's cleared customs, he calls up his
brother and inquires after his pet.
	"Your dog's dead," replies his brother bluntly.
	The guy is devastated.  "You know how much that dog meant to me,"
he moaned into the phone.  "Couldn't you at least have thought of a nicer way
of breaking the news?  Couldn't you have said, `Well, you know, the dog got
outside one day, and was crossing the street, and a car was speeding around a
corner...' or something...?  Why are you always so thoughtless?"
	"Look, I'm sorry," said his brother, "I guess I just didn't think."
	"Okay, okay, let's just put it behind us.  How are you anyway?
How's Mom?"
	His brother is silent a moment.  "Uh," he stammers, "uh... Mom got
outside one day..."

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