An old Jewish man reads about Einstein's theory of relativity
in the newspaper and asks his scientist grandson to explain it to him.
	"Well, zayda, it's sort of like this.  Einstein says that if
you're having your teeth drilled without Novocain, a minute seems like
an hour.  But if you're sitting with a beautiful woman on your lap, an
hour seems like a minute."
	The old man considers this profound bit of thinking for a
moment and says, "And from this he makes a living?"
		-- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"

	An older student came to Otis and said, "I have been to see a
great number of teachers and I have given up a great number of pleasures.
I have fasted, been celibate and stayed awake nights seeking enlightenment.
I have given up everything I was asked to give up and I have suffered, but
I have not been enlightened.  What should I do?"
	Otis replied, "Give up suffering."
		-- Camden Benares, "Zen Without Zen Masters"

	"And what will you do when you grow up to be as big as me?"
asked the father of his little son.
	"Diet."

	"Any news from the President on a successor?" he asked hopefully.
	"None," Anita replied.  "She's having great difficulty finding
someone qualified who is willing to accept the post."
	"Then I stay," said Dr. Fresh.  "I'm not good for much, but I
can at least make a decision."
	"Somewhere," he grumphed, "there must be a naive, opportunistic
young welp with a masochistic streak who would like to run the most
up-and-down bureaucracy in the history of mankind."
		-- R. L. Forward, "Flight of the Dragonfly"

	"Anything else, sir?" asked the attentive bellhop, trying his best
to make the lady and gentleman comfortable in their penthouse suite in the
posh hotel.
	"No.  No, thank you," replied the gentleman.
	"Anything for your wife, sir?" the bellhop asked.
	"Why, yes, young man," said the gentleman.  "Would you bring me
a postcard?"

	"Anything else you wish to draw to my attention, Mr. Holmes ?"
	"The curious incident of the stable dog in the nighttime."
	"But the dog did nothing in the nighttime."
	"That was the curious incident."
		-- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, "Silver Blaze"

	Approaching the gates of the monastery, Hakuin found Ken the Zen
preaching to a group of disciples.
	"Words..." Ken orated, "they are but an illusory veil obfuscating
the absolute reality of --"
	"Ken!" Hakuin interrupted. "Your fly is down!"
	Whereupon the Clear Light of Illumination exploded upon Ken, and he
vaporized.
	On the way to town, Hakuin was greeted by an itinerant monk imbued
with the spirit of the morning.
	"Ah," the monk sighed, a beatific smile wrinkling across his cheeks,
"Thou art That..."
	"Ah," Hakuin replied, pointing excitedly, "And Thou art Fat!"
	Whereupon the Clear Light of Illumination exploded upon the monk,
and he vaporized.
	Next, the Governor sought the advice of Hakuin, crying: "As our
enemies bear down upon us, how shall I, with such heartless and callow
soldiers as I am heir to, hope to withstand the impending onslaught?"
	"US?" snapped Hakuin.
	Whereupon the Clear Light of Illumination exploded upon the
Governor, and he vaporized.
	Then, a redneck went up to Hakuin and vaporized the old Master with
his shotgun.  "Ha! Beat ya' to the punchline, ya' scrawny li'l geek!"

	"Are you police officers?"
	"No, ma'am.  We're musicians."
		-- The Blues Brothers

	"Are you sure you're not an encyclopedia salesman?"
	"No, Ma'am.  Just a burglar, come to ransack the flat."
		-- Monty Python

	As a general rule of thumb, never trust anybody who's been in therapy
for more than 15 percent of their life span.  The words "I am sorry" and "I
am wrong" will have totally disappeared from their vocabulary.  They will stab
you, shoot you, break things in your apartment, say horrible things to your
friends and family, and then justify this abhorrent behavior by saying:
	"Sure, I put your dog in the microwave.  But I feel *better*
for doing it."
		-- Bruce Feirstein, "Nice Guys Sleep Alone"

	At a recent meeting in Snowmass, Colorado, a participant from
Los Angeles fainted from hyperoxygenation, and we had to hold his head
under the exhaust of a bus until he revived.

	Before he became a hermit, Zarathud was a young Priest, and
took great delight in making fools of his opponents in front of his
followers.
	One day Zarathud took his students to a pleasant pasture and
there he confronted The Sacred Chao while She was contentedly grazing.
	"Tell me, you dumb beast," demanded the Priest in his
commanding voice, "why don't you do something worthwhile?  What is your
Purpose in Life, anyway?"
	Munching the tasty grass, The Sacred Chao replied "MU".  (The
Chinese ideogram for NO-THING.)
	Upon hearing this, absolutely nobody was enlightened.
	Primarily because nobody understood Chinese.
		-- Camden Benares, "Zen Without Zen Masters"

	"Beware of the man who works hard to learn something, learns it,
and finds himself no wiser than before," Bokonon tells us.  "He is full
of murderous resentment of people who are ignorant without having come
by their ignorance the hard way."
		-- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr., "Cat's Cradle"

	Bubba, Jim Bob, and Leroy were fishing out on the lake last November,
and, when Bubba tipped his head back to empty the Jim Beam, he fell out of the
boat into the lake.  Jim Bob and Leroy pulled him back in, but as Bubba didn't
look too good, they started up the Evinrude and headed back to the pier.
	By the time they got there, Bubba was turning kind of blue, and his
teeth were chattering like all get out.  Jim Bob said, "Leroy, go run up to
the pickup and get Doc Pritchard on the CB, and ask him what we should do".
	Doc Pritchard, after hearing a description of the case, said "Now,
Leroy, listen closely.  Bubba is in great danger.  He has hy-po-thermia.  Now
what you need to do is get all them wet clothes off of Bubba, and take your
clothes off, and pile your clothes and jackets on top of him.  Then you all
get under that pile, and hug up to Bubba real close so that you warm him up.
You understand me Leroy?  You gotta warm Bubba up, or he'll die."
	Leroy and the Doc 10-4'ed each other, and Leroy came back to the
pier.  "Wh-Wh-What'd th-th-the d-d-doc s-s-say L-L-Leroy?", Bubba chattered.
	"Bubba, Doc says you're gonna die."

	"But Huey, you PROMISED!"
	"Tell 'em I lied."

	By the middle 1880's, practically all the roads except those in
the South, were of the present standard gauge.  The southern roads were
still five feet between rails.
	It was decided to change the gauge of all southern roads to standard,
in one day.  This remarkable piece of work was carried out on a Sunday in May
of 1886.  For weeks beforehand, shops had been busy pressing wheels in on the
axles to the new and narrower gauge, to have a supply of rolling stock which
could run on the new track as soon as it was ready.  Finally, on the day set,
great numbers of gangs of track layers went to work at dawn.  Everywhere one
rail was loosened, moved in three and one-half inches, and spiked down in its
new position.  By dark, trains from anywhere in the United States could operate
over the tracks in the South, and a free interchange of freight cars everywhere
was possible.
		-- Robert Henry, "Trains", 1957

	Carol's head ached as she trailed behind the unsmiling Calibrees
along the block of booths.  She chirruped at Kennicott, "Let's be wild!
Let's ride on the merry-go-round and grab a gold ring!"
	Kennicott considered it, and mumbled to Calibree, "Think you folks
would like to stop and try a ride on the merry-go-round?"
	Calibree considered it, and mumbled to his wife, "Think you'd like
to stop and try a ride on the merry-go-round?"
	Mrs. Calibree smiled in a washed-out manner, and sighed, "Oh no,
I don't believe I care to much, but you folks go ahead and try it."
	Calibree stated to Kennicott, "No, I don't believe we care to a
whole lot, but you folks go ahead and try it."
	Kennicott summarized the whole case against wildness: "Let's try
it some other time, Carrie."
	She gave it up.
		-- Sinclair Lewis, "Main Street"

	Catching his children with their hands in the new, still wet, patio,
the father spanked them.  His wife asked, "Don't you love your children?"
"In the abstract, yes, but not in the concrete."

	Chapter VIII
Due to the convergence of forces beyond his comprehension,
Salvatore Quanucci was suddenly squirted out of the universe
like a watermelon seed, and never heard from again.

	"Cheshire-Puss," she began, "would you tell me, please, which
way I ought to go from here?"
	"That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said
the Cat.
	"I don't care much where--" said Alice.
	"Then it doesn't matter which way you go," said the Cat.
		-- Lewis Carroll, "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" (1865)