ACADEMY:
	A modern school where football is taught.
INSTITUTE:
	An archaic school where football is not taught.

Accent on helpful side of your nature.  Drain the moat.

Accept people for what they are -- completely unacceptable.

ACCEPTANCE TESTING:
	An unsuccessful attempt to find bugs.

Acceptance without proof is the fundamental characteristic of Western
religion; rejection without proof is the fundamental characteristic of
Western science.
		-- Gary Zukav, "The Dancing Wu Li Masters"

Accident, n.:
	A condition in which presence of mind is good,
	but absence of body is better.
		-- Foolish Dictionary

Accidentally Shot
	Colonel Gray, of Petaluma, came near losing his life a few days ago,
in a singular manner.  A gentleman with whom he was hunting attempted to
bring down a dove, but instead of doing so put the load of shot through the
Colonel's hat.  One shot took effect in his forehead.
		-- Sacramento Daily Union, April 20, 1861

Accidents cause History.

If Sigismund Unbuckle had taken a walk in 1426 and met Wat Tyler, the
Peasant's Revolt would never have happened and the motor car would not
have been invented until 2026, which would have meant that all the oil
could have been used for lamps, thus saving the electric light bulb and
the whale, and nobody would have caught Moby Dick or Billy Budd.
		-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"

According to a recent and unscientific national survey, smiling is something
everyone should do at least 6 times a day.  In an effort to increase the
national average (the US ranks third among the world's superpowers in
smiling), Xerox has instructed all personnel to be happy, effervescent, and
most importantly, to smile.  Xerox employees agree, and even feel strongly
that they can not only meet but surpass the national average...  except for
Tubby Ackerman.  But because Tubby does such a fine job of racing around
parking lots with a large butterfly net retrieving floating IC chips, Xerox
decided to give him a break.  If you see Tubby in a parking lot he may have
a sheepish grin.  This is where the expression, "Service with a slightly
sheepish grin" comes from.

According to all the latest reports,
there was no truth in any of the earlier reports.

According to Arkansas law, Section 4761, Pope's Digest:  "No person
shall be permitted under any pretext whatever, to come nearer than
fifty feet of any door or window of any polling room, from the opening
of the polls until the completion of the count and the certification of
the returns."

According to convention there is a sweet and a bitter, a hot and a cold,
and according to convention, there is an order.  In truth, there are atoms
and a void.
		-- Democritus, 400 B.C.

According to my best recollection, I don't remember.
		-- Vincent "Jimmy Blue Eyes" Alo

According to the latest official figures,
43% of all statistics are totally worthless.

According to the obituary notices, a mean and unimportant person never
dies.

According to the Rand McNally Places-Rated Almanac, the best place to live in
America is the city of Pittsburgh.  The city of New York came in twenty-fifth.
Here in New York we really don't care too much. Because we know that we could
beat up their city anytime.
		-- David Letterman

Accordion, n.:
	A bagpipe with pleats.

Accuracy, n.:
	The vice of being right.

Acid -- better living through chemistry.

Acid absorbs 47 times its own weight in excess Reality.