An American's a person who isn't afraid to criticize
the president but is always polite to traffic cops.

An anthropologist at Tulane has just come back from a field trip to New
Guinea with reports of a tribe so primitive that they have Tide but not
new Tide with lemon-fresh Borax.
		-- David Letterman

An aphorism is never exactly true;
it is either a half-truth or one-and-a-half truths.
		-- Karl Kraus

An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile -- hoping that it will eat
him last.
		-- Sir Winston Churchill, 1954

An apple a day makes 365 apples a year.

An apple every eight hours will keep three doctors away.

An artist should be fit for the best society and keep out of it.

An atheist is a man with no invisible means of support.

An atom-blaster is a good weapon, but it can point both ways.
		-- Isaac Asimov

An attachment a la Plato
for a bashful young potato
or a, not too French, french bean
must excite your languid spleen.
For, if you walk down Picadilly
with a poppy or lily
in your medieval hand,
every one will say,
as you walk your flowery way;
"If this young man is content,
with a vegetable love
which would certainly not content me.
Why, what a very pure young man
this pure young man must be!"
		-- W. S. Gilbert, "Patience"
		   [The subject of the humour is of course, Oscar Wilde]

An attorney was defending his client against a charge of first-degree
murder.  "Your Honor, my client is accused of stuffing his lover's
mutilated body into a suitcase and heading for the Mexican border.
Just north of Tijuana a cop spotted her hand sticking out of the
suitcase.  Now, I would like to stress that my client is *not* a
murderer.  A sloppy packer, maybe..."

An authority is a person who can tell you more about something than you
really care to know.

An avocado-tone refrigerator would look good on your resume.

An economist is a man who would marry
Farrah Fawcett-Majors for her money.

An editor is one who separates the wheat from the chaff and prints the chaff.
		-- Adlai E. Stevenson

An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.

An efficient and a successful administration manifests
itself equally in small as in great matters.
		-- Winston Churchill

An egghead is one who stands firmly on both feet,
in mid-air, on both sides of an issue.
		-- Homer Ferguson

An elderly couple were flying to their Caribbean hideaway on a chartered plane
when a terrible storm forced them to land on an uninhabited island.  When
several days passed without rescue, the couple and their pilot sank into a
despondent silence. Finally, the woman asked her husband if he had made his
usual pledge to the United Way Campaign.
	"We're running out of food and water and you ask *that*?" her husband
barked.  "If you really need to know, I not only pledged a half million but
I've already paid them half of it."
	"You owe the U.W.C. a *quarter million*?" the woman exclaimed
euphorically.  "Don't worry, Harry, they'll find us!  They'll find us!"

An elephant is a mouse with an operating system.