I read the newspaper avidly.  It is my one form of continuous fiction.
		-- Aneurin Bevan

I realize that the MX missile is none of our concern.  I realize that
the whole point of living in a democracy is that we pay professional
congresspersons to concern themselves with things like the MX missile
so we can be free to concern ourselves with getting hold of the
plumber.

But from time to time, I feel I must address major public issues such
as this, because in a free and open society, where the very future of
the world hinges on decisions made by our elected leaders, you never
win large cash journalism awards if you stick to the topics I usually
write about, such as nose-picking.
		-- Dave Barry, "At Last, the Ultimate Deterrent Against
		   Political Fallout"

I really had to act; 'cause I didn't have any lines.
		-- Marilyn Chambers

I really hate this damned machine
I wish that they would sell it.
It never does quite what I want
But only what I tell it.

I really look with commiseration over the great body of my fellow citizens
who, reading newspapers, live and die in the belief that they have known
something of what has been passing in their time.
		-- Thomas Jefferson

I recognize terror as the finest emotion and so I will try to terrorize the
reader.  But if I find that I cannot terrify, I will try to horrify, and if
I find that I cannot horrify, I'll go for the gross-out.
		-- Stephen King

I refuse to consign the whole male sex to the nursery.  I insist on
believing that some men are my equals.
		-- Brigid Brophy

I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person.

I remember once being on a station platform in Cleveland at four in the
morning.  A black porter was carrying my bags, and as we were waiting for
the train to come in, he said to me: "Excuse me, Mr. Cooke, I don't want to
invade your privacy, but I have a bet with a friend of mine.  Who composed
the opening theme music of `Omnibus'?  My friend said Virgil Thomson."  I
asked him, "What do you say?" He replied, "I say Aaron Copeland." I said,
"You're right."  The porter said, "I knew Thomson doesn't write counterpoint
that way."  I told that to a network president, and he was deeply unimpressed.
		-- Alistair Cooke

I remember Ulysses well...  Left one day for the post office
to mail a letter, met a blonde named Circe on the streetcar,
and didn't come back for 20 years.

I remember when legal used to mean lawful, now it means some
kind of loophole.
		-- Leo Kessler

I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights.  Now it
looks like I'm the only one moving.
		-- Steven Wright

I respect faith, but doubt is what gives you an education.
		-- Wilson Mizner

I respect the institution of marriage.  I have always thought that every
woman should marry -- and no man.
		-- Benjamin Disraeli, "Lothair"

I reverently believe that the maker who made us all makes everything in New
England, but the weather.  I don't know who makes that, but I think it must be
raw apprentices in the weather-clerks factory who experiment and learn how, in
New England, for board and clothes, and then are promoted to make weather for
countries that require a good article, and will take their custom elsewhere
if they don't get it.
		-- Mark Twain

I sat down beside her, said hello, offered to buy her a drink...
and then natural selection reared its ugly head.

I saw a man pursuing the Horizon,
'Round and round they sped.
I was disturbed at this,
I accosted the man,
"It is futile," I said.
"You can never--"
"You lie!" He cried,
and ran on.
		-- Stephen Crane

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
		-- Steven Wright

I saw Lassie.  It took me four shows to figure out why the hairy kid
never spoke. I mean, he could roll over and all that, but did that
deserve a series?"

I saw what you did and I know who you are.