I trust the first lion he meets will do his duty.
		-- J. P. Morgan on Teddy Roosevelt's safari

I try not to break the rules but merely to test their elasticity.
		-- Bill Veeck

I try to keep an open mind, but not so open that my brains fall out.
		-- Judge Harold T. Stone

I turned my air conditioner the other way around, and it got cold out.
The weatherman said "I don't understand it.  I was supposed to be 80
degrees today," and I said "Oops."

In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so
I never have to go upstairs.

I just bought a microwave fireplace... You can spend an evening in
front of it in only eight minutes.
		-- Steven Wright

I understand why you're confused.  You're thinking too much.
		-- Carole Wallach

I use not only all the brains I have, but all those I can borrow as well.
		-- Woodrow Wilson

I use technology in order to hate it more properly.
		-- Nam June Paik

I used to be a rebel in my youth.
This cause... that cause... (chuckle) I backed 'em ALL!  But I learned.
Rebellion is simply a device used by the immature to hide from his own
problems.  So I lost interest in politics.  Now when I feel aroused by
a civil rights case or a passport hearing... I realize it's just a device.
I go to my analyst and we work it out.  You have no idea how much better
I feel these days.
		-- J. Feiffer

I used to be an agnostic, but now I'm not so sure.

I used to be disgusted, now I find I'm just amused.
		-- Elvis Costello

I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.
		-- Mae West

I used to be such a sweet sweet thing, 'til they got a hold of me,
I opened doors for little old ladies, I helped the blind to see,
I got no friends 'cause they read the papers, they can't be seen,
With me, and I'm feelin' real shot down,
And I'm, uh, feelin' mean,
	No more, Mr. Nice Guy,
	No more, Mr. Clean,
	No more, Mr. Nice Guy,
They say "He's sick, he's obscene".

My dog bit me on the leg today, my cat clawed my eyes,
Ma's been thrown out of the social circle, and Dad has to hide,
I went to church, incognito, when everybody rose,
The reverend Smithy, he recognized me,
And punched me in the nose, he said,
(chorus)
He said "You're sick, you're obscene".
		-- Alice Cooper, "No More Mr. Nice Guy"

I used to have a drinking problem.
Now I love the stuff.

I used to live in a house by the freeway.  When I went anywhere, I had
to be going 65 MPH by the end of my driveway.

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights.  Now it looks
like I'm the only one moving.

I was pulled over for speeding today.  The officer said, "Don't you know
the speed limit is 55 miles an hour?"  And I said, "Yes, but I wasn't going
to be out that long."

I put a new engine in my car, but didn't take the old one out.  Now
my car goes 500 miles an hour.
		-- Steven Wright

I used to think I was a child; now I think I am an adult -- not because
I no longer do childish things, but because those I call adults are no
more mature than I am.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

I used to think romantic love was a neurosis shared by two, a supreme
foolishness.  I no longer thought that.  There's nothing foolish in
loving anyone.  Thinking you'll be loved in return is what's foolish.
		-- Rita Mae Brown

I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in
my body.  Then I realized who was telling me this.
		-- Emo Phillips

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory.  You couldn't park anywhere near
the place.
		-- Steven Wright

I value kindness to human beings first of all, and kindness to animals.  I
don't respect the law; I have a total irreverence for anything connected
with society except that which makes the roads safer, the beer stronger,
the food cheaper, and old men and women warmer in the winter, and happier
in the summer.
		-- Brendan Behan