I waited and waited and when no message came I knew it must be from you.

I want to be the white man's brother, not his brother-in-law.
		-- Martin Luther King, Jr.

I want to buy a husband who, every week when I sit down to watch "St.
Elsewhere", won't scream, "FORGET IT, BLANCHE ... IT'S TIME FOR 'HEE
HAW'!!"
		-- Berke Breathed, "Bloom County"

I want to marry a girl just like the girl that married dear old dad.
		-- Freud

I want to reach your mind -- where is it currently located?

I was appalled by this story of the destruction of a member of a valued
endangered species.  It's all very well to celebrate the practicality of
pigs by ennobling the porcine sibling who constructed his home out of
bricks and mortar.  But to wantonly destroy a wolf, even one with an
excessive taste for porkers, is unconscionable in these ecologically
critical times when both man and his domestic beasts continue to maraud
the earth.
		Sylvia Kamerman, "Book Reviewing"

I was at this restaurant.  The sign said "Breakfast Anytime."  So I
ordered French Toast in the Renaissance.
		-- Steven Wright

I was born because it was a habit in those days, people didn't know
anything else ... I was not a Child Prodigy, because a Child Prodigy is
a child who knows as much when it is a child as it does when it grows
up.
		-- Will Rogers

I was born in a barrel of butcher knives
Trouble I love and peace I despise
Wild horses kicked me in my side
Then a rattlesnake bit me and he walked off and died.
		-- Bo Diddley

I was drunk last night, crawled home across the lawn.  By accident I
put the car key in the door lock.  The house started up.  So I figured
what the hell, and drove it around the block a few times.  I thought I
should go park it in the middle of the freeway and yell at everyone to
get off my driveway.
		-- Steven Wright

I was eatin' some chop suey,
With a lady in St. Louie,
When there sudden comes a knockin' at the door.
And that knocker, he says, "Honey,
Roll this rocker out some money,
Or your daddy shoots a baddie to the floor."
		-- Mr. Miggle

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did.
I said I didn't know.
		-- Mark Twain

I was in a bar and I walked up to a beautiful woman and said, "Do you live
around here often?"  She said, "You're wearing two different-color socks."
I said, "Yes, but to me they're the same because I go by thickness."
She said, "How do you feel?" And I said, "You know when you're sitting on a
chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs and you lean too far so
you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself?  I feel like
that all the time."
		-- Steven Wright, "Gentlemen's Quarterly"

I was in a beauty contest once.  I not only came in last, I was hit in
the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
		-- Phyllis Diller

I was in accord with the system so long as it
permitted me to function effectively.
		-- Albert Speer

I was in this prematurely air conditioned supermarket and there were all
these aisles and there were these bathing caps you could buy that had these
kind of Fourth of July plumes on them that were red and yellow and blue and
I wasn't tempted to buy one but I was reminded of the fact that I had been
avoiding the beach.
		-- Lucinda Childs "Einstein On The Beach"

I was in Vegas last week. I was at the roulette table, having a
lengthy argument about what I considered an Odd number.
		-- Steven Wright

I was offered a job as a hoodlum and I turned it down cold.  A thief is
anybody who gets out and works for his living, like robbing a bank or
breaking into a place and stealing stuff, or kidnaping somebody.  He really
gives some effort to it.  A hoodlum is a pretty lousy sort of scum.  He
works for gangsters and bumps guys off when they have been put on the spot.
Why, after I'd made my rep, some of the Chicago Syndicate wanted me to work
for them as a hood -- you know, handling a machine gun.  They offered me
two hundred and fifty dollars a week and all the protection I needed.  I
was on the lam at the time and not able to work at my regular line.  But
I wouldn't consider it.  "I'm a thief," I said.  "I'm no lousy hoodlum."
		-- Alvin Karpis, "Public Enemy Number One"

I was part of that strange race of people aptly described as spending
their lives doing things they detest to make money they don't want to
buy things they don't need to impress people they dislike.
		-- Emile Henry Gauvreay

I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards.  I got a
full house and four people died.
		-- Steven Wright