I will make you shorter by the head.
		-- Elizabeth I

I will never lie to you.

I will not be briefed or debriefed, my underwear is my own.

I will not drink!
But if I do...
I will not get drunk!
But if I do...
I will not in public!
But if I do...
I will not fall down!
But if I do...
I will fall face down so that they cannot see my company badge.

I will not forget you.

I will not play at tug o' war.
I'd rather play at hug o' war,
Where everyone hugs
Instead of tugs,
Where everyone giggles
And rolls on the rug,
Where everyone kisses,
And everyone grins,
And everyone cuddles,
And everyone wins.
		-- Shel Silverstein, "Hug O' War"

I will not say that women have no character; rather, they have a new
one every day.
		-- Heine

I wish a robot would get elected president.  That way, when he came to town,
we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.
		-- Jack Handey

I WISH I HAD A KRYPTONITE CROSS, because then you could keep both Dracula
and Superman away.
		-- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)

I wish there was a knob on the TV where you could turn up the
intelligence.  They've got one called brightness, but it doesn't
seem to work.
		-- Gallagher

I wish you humans would leave me alone.

I wish you were a Scotch on the rocks.

I woke up a feelin' mean
went down to play the slot machine
the wheels turned round,
and the letters read
"Better head back to Tennessee Jed"
		-- Grateful Dead

I woke up this morning and discovered that everything in my apartment
had been stolen and replaced with an exact replica.  I told my roommate,
"Isn't this amazing?  Everything in the apartment has been stolen and
replaced with an exact replica."  He said, "Do I know you?"
		-- Steven Wright

"I wonder", he said to himself, "what's in a book while it's closed.  Oh, I
know it's full of letters printed on paper, but all the same, something must
be happening, because as soon as I open it, there's a whole story with people
I don't know yet and all kinds of adventures and battles."
		-- Bastian B. Bux

I wonder what the leash and collar set does for excitement?
		-- Tramp, "Lady and the Tramp"

I worked in a health food store once.  A guy came in and asked me,
"If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?"
		-- Steven Wright

I would be batting the big feller if they wasn't ready with the other one,
but a left-hander would be the thing if they wouldn't have knowed it already
because there is more things involved than could come up on the road, even
after we've been home a long while.
		-- Casey Stengel

I would gladly raise my voice in praise of women,
only they won't let me raise my voice.
		-- Winkle

I would have made a good pope.
		-- Richard M. Nixon