If a group of N persons implements a COBOL compiler,
there will be N-1 passes.  Someone in the group has to be the manager.
		-- T. Cheatham

If a guru falls in the forest with no one to hear him, was he
really a guru at all?
		-- Strange de Jim, "The Metasexuals"

If a jury in a criminal trial stays out for more than twenty-four hours, it
is certain to vote acquittal, save in those instances where it votes guilty.
		-- Joseph C. Goulden

IF A KID ASKS YOU where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him
is, "God is crying."  And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing
to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did."
		-- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)

If a listener nods his head when you're
explaining your program, wake him up.

If a man has a strong faith he can indulge in the luxury of skepticism.
		-- Friedrich Nietzsche

If a man has talent and cannot use it, he has failed.
		-- Thomas Wolfe

If a man is not a liberal at 25, he has no heart.
If he's not a conservative by 45, he has no brain.

If a man loses his reverence for any part of life,
he will lose his reverence for all of life.
		-- Albert Schweitzer

If a man stay away from his wife for seven years, the law presumes the
separation to have killed him; yet according to our daily experience,
it might well prolong his life.
		-- Charles Darling, "Scintillae Juris, 1877

If a nation expects to be ignorant and free,
... it expects what never was and never will be.
		-- Thomas Jefferson

If a nation values anything more than freedom, it will lose its freedom;
and the irony of it is that if it is comfort or money it values more, it
will lose that, too.
		-- W. Somerset Maugham

If a person (a) is poorly, (b) receives treatment intended to make him better,
and (c) gets better, then no power of reasoning known to medical science can
convince him that it may not have been the treatment that restored his health.
		-- Sir Peter Medawar, "The Art of the Soluble"

If a President doesn't do it to his wife, he'll do it to his country.

If a putt passes over the hole without dropping, it is deemed to have dropped.
The law of gravity holds that any object attempting to maintain a position
in the atmosphere without something to support it must drop.  The law of
gravity supersedes the law of golf.
		-- Donald A. Metz

If a shameless woman expects to be defiled and then dies of her fierce
love because you do not consent, will chastity also be homicide?
		-- Saint Augustine

If a small child asks you where rain comes from, I think a reasonable response
is simply that "God is crying."  And, if he asks you why God is crying, the
only possible answer is "Probably because of something you did."

If a system is administered wisely,
its users will be content.
They enjoy hacking their code
and don't waste time implementing
labor-saving shell scripts.
Since they dearly love their accounts,
they aren't interested in other machines.
There may be telnet, rlogin, and ftp,
but these don't access any hosts.
There may be an arsenal of cracks and malware,
but nobody ever uses them.
People enjoy reading their mail,
take pleasure in being with their newsgroups,
spend weekends working at their terminals,
delight in the doings at the site.
And even though the next system is so close
that users can hear its key clicks and biff beeps,
they are content to die of old age
without ever having gone to see it.

If a team is in a positive frame of mind, it will have a good attitude.
If it has a good attitude, it will make a commitment to playing the
game right.  If it plays the game right, it will win -- unless, of
course, it doesn't have enough talent to win, and no manager can make
goose-liver pate out of goose feathers, so why worry?
		-- Sparky Anderson

If a thing's worth doing, it is worth doing badly.
		-- G. K. Chesterton