If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would
have made them cute and furry.
		-- Dave Barry

If God had wanted us to use the metric system, Jesus would have had
only ten apostles.

If God had wanted you to go around nude,
He would have given you bigger hands.

If God hadn't wanted you to be paranoid,
He wouldn't have given you such a vivid imagination.

If God is dead, who will save the Queen?

If God is One, what is bad?
		-- Charles Manson

If God is perfect, why did He create discontinuous functions?

If God lived on Earth, people would knock out all His windows.
		-- Yiddish saying

If God wanted us to be brave, why did he give us legs?
		-- Marvin Kitman

If God wanted us to have a President,
He would have sent us a candidate.
		-- Jerry Dreshfield

If graphics hackers are so smart,
why can't they get the bugs out of fresh paint?

If happiness is in your destiny, you need not be in a hurry.
		-- Chinese proverb

If he had only learnt a little less, how
infinitely better he might have taught much more!

If he once again pushes up his sleeves in order to compute for 3 days
and 3 nights in a row, he will spend a quarter of an hour before to
think which principles of computation shall be most appropriate.
		-- Voltaire, "Diatribe du docteur Akakia"

If he should ever change his faith,
it'll be because he no longer thinks he's God.

If I cannot bend Heaven, I shall move Hell.
		-- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)

If I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive!
		-- Samuel Goldwyn

If I could read your mind, love,
What a tale your thoughts could tell,
Just like a paperback novel,
The kind the drugstore sells,
When you reach the part where the heartaches come,
The hero would be me,
Heroes often fail,
You won't read that book again, because
	the ending is just too hard to take.

I walk away, like a movie star,
Who gets burned in a three way script,
Enter number two,
A movie queen to play the scene
Of bringing all the good things out in me,
But for now, love, let's be real
I never thought I could act this way,
And I've got to say that I just don't get it,
I don't know where we went wrong but the feeling is gone
And I just can't get it back...
		-- Gordon Lightfoot, "If You Could Read My Mind"

If I could stick my pen in my heart,
I would spill it all over the stage.
Would it satisfy ya, would it slide on by ya,
Would you think the boy was strange?
Ain't he strange?
...
If I could stick a knife in my heart,
Suicide right on the stage,
Would it be enough for your teenage lust,
Would it help to ease the pain?
Ease your brain?
		-- Rolling Stones, "It's Only Rock'N Roll"

If I 'cp /bin/csh /dev/audio' shouldn't I hear the ocean?
		-- Danno Coppock