A prohibitionist is the sort of man one wouldn't care to
drink with -- even if he drank.
		-- H. L. Mencken

A prominent broadcaster, on a big-game safari in Africa, was taken to a
watering hole where the life of the jungle could be observed. As he
looked down from his tree platform and described the scene into his
tape recorder, he saw two gnus grazing peacefully. So preoccupied were
they that they failed to observe the approach of a pride of lions led
by two magnificent specimens, obviously the leaders. The lions charged,
killed the gnus, and dragged them into the bushes where their feasting
could not be seen.  A little while later the two kings of the jungle
emerged and the radioman recorded on his tape: "Well, that's the end of
the gnus and here, once again, are the head lions."

A proper wife should be as obedient as a slave... The female is a female
by virtue of a certain lack of qualities -- a natural defectiveness.
		-- Aristotle

A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions
your wife asks you for nothing.
		-- Joey Adams

A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that
your wife will give you for free.

A public debt is a kind of anchor in the storm; but if the anchor be
too heavy for the vessel, she will be sunk by that very weight which
was intended for her preservation.
		-- Colton

A putt that stops close enough to the cup to inspire such comments as
"you could blow it in" may be blown in.  This rule does not apply if
the ball is more than three inches from the hole, because no one wants
to make a travesty of the game.
		-- Donald A. Metz

A rabbi and a priest are sitting together on a train, and the rabbi leans
over and asks, "So, how high can you advance in your organization?"
	The priest replies, "Well, if I am lucky, I guess I could become a
Bishop."
	"Well, could you get any higher than that?"
	"I suppose that if my works are seen in a very good light that I
might be made an Archbishop."
	"Is there any way that you might go higher than that?"
	"If all the Saints should smile, I guess I could be made a Cardinal."
	"Could you be anything higher than a Cardinal?"
	Hesitating a little bit, the priest said, "I suppose that I could
be elected Pope, but only if it's God's will."
	"And could you be anything higher than that, is there any way to go
up from being the Pope?"
	"What?!  I should be the Messiah himself?!"
	The rabbi leaned back and smiled.  "One of our boys made it."

A raccoon tangled with a 23,000 volt line today.  The results
blacked out 1400 homes and, of course, one raccoon.
		-- Steel City News

A racially integrated community is a chronological term timed from the
entrance of the first black family to the exit of the last white family.
		-- Saul Alinsky

A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives.

A real diplomat is one who can cut his neighbor's throat without having
his neighbor notice it.
		-- Trygve Lie

A real estate agent, looking over a farmer's house for possible sale,
commented to the farmer how sturdy the house looked.
	The farmer replied, "Yep, built it with my bare hands... did it
the hard way.  The steps to the front door, here, carved 'em out of
field stones... did it the hard way.  That hardwood floor in the living
room, dovetailed the pieces myself... did it the hard way.  The ceiling
beams, made 'em out of my own oak trees... did it the hard way."
	Just then, the farmer's gorgeous daughter walked in.  The farmer
looks over at the real estate agent who is trying not to stare too
obviously and smiles.  "Yep... standing up in a canoe."

A real friend isn't someone you use once and then throw away.
A real friend is someone you can use over and over again.

A real gentleman never takes bases unless he really has to.
		-- Overheard in an algebra lecture

A real patriot is the fellow who gets a parking
ticket and rejoices that the system works.

A recent study has found that concentrating on difficult off-screen
objects, such as the faces of loved ones, causes eye strain in computer
scientists.  Researchers into the phenomenon cite the added concentration
needed to "make sense" of such unnatural three dimensional objects.

A regular expression goes into a pub with a friend, intending to
help him find a girl.  However, when the cockney barman finds this
out, he says to it, "Ere! I'll have no pattern match-making in my
pub!"

A rich man told me recently that a liberal is a man who tells other
people what to do with their money.
		-- Imamu Amiri Baraka (Leroi Jones)

A right is not what someone gives you; it's what no one can take from you.
		-- Ramsey Clark