Dear Emily:
	I collected replies to an article I wrote, and now it's time to
summarize.  What should I do?
		-- Editor

Dear Editor:
	Simply concatenate all the articles together into a big file and post
that.  On USENET, this is known as a summary.  It lets people read all the
replies without annoying newsreaders getting in the way.  Do the same when
summarizing a vote.
		-- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette

Dear Emily:
	I recently read an article that said, "reply by mail, I'll summarize."
What should I do?
		-- Doubtful

Dear Doubtful:
	Post your response to the whole net.  That request applies only to
dumb people who don't have something interesting to say.  Your postings are
much more worthwhile than other people's, so it would be a waste to reply by
mail.
		-- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette

Dear Emily:
	I saw a long article that I wish to rebut carefully, what should
I do?
		-- Angry

Dear Angry:
	Include the entire text with your article, and include your comments
between the lines.  Be sure to post, and not mail, even though your article
looks like a reply to the original.  Everybody *loves* to read those long
point-by-point debates, especially when they evolve into name-calling and
lots of "Is too!" -- "Is not!" -- "Is too, twizot!" exchanges.
		-- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette

Dear Emily:
	I'm having a serious disagreement with somebody on the net. I
tried complaints to his sysadmin, organizing mail campaigns, called for
his removal from the net and phoning his employer to get him fired.
Everybody laughed at me.  What can I do?
		-- A Concerned Citizen

Dear Concerned:
	Go to the daily papers.  Most modern reporters are top-notch computer
experts who will understand the net, and your problems, perfectly.  They
will print careful, reasoned stories without any errors at all, and surely
represent the situation properly to the public.  The public will also all
act wisely, as they are also fully cognizant of the subtle nature of net
society.
	Papers never sensationalize or distort, so be sure to point out things
like racism and sexism wherever they might exist.  Be sure as well that they
understand that all things on the net, particularly insults, are meant
literally.  Link what transpires on the net to the causes of the Holocaust, if
possible.  If regular papers won't take the story, go to a tabloid paper --
they are always interested in good stories.

Dear Emily:
	I'm still confused as to what groups articles should be posted
to.  How about an example?
		-- Still Confused

Dear Still:
	Ok.  Let's say you want to report that Gretzky has been traded from
the Oilers to the Kings.  Now right away you might think rec.sport.hockey
would be enough.  WRONG.  Many more people might be interested.  This is a
big trade!  Since it's a NEWS article, it belongs in the news.* hierarchy
as well.  If you are a news admin, or there is one on your machine, try
news.admin.  If not, use news.misc.
	The Oilers are probably interested in geology, so try sci.physics.
He is a big star, so post to sci.astro, and sci.space because they are also
interested in stars.  Next, his name is Polish sounding.  So post to
soc.culture.polish.  But that group doesn't exist, so cross-post to
news.groups suggesting it should be created.  With this many groups of
interest, your article will be quite bizarre, so post to talk.bizarre as
well.  (And post to comp.std.mumps, since they hardly get any articles
there, and a "comp" group will propagate your article further.)
	You may also find it is more fun to post the article once in each
group.  If you list all the newsgroups in the same article, some newsreaders
will only show the article to the reader once!  Don't tolerate this.
		-- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette

Dear Emily:
	Today I posted an article and forgot to include my signature.
What should I do?
		-- Forgetful

Dear Forgetful:
	Rush to your terminal right away and post an article that says,
"Oops, I forgot to post my signature with that last article.  Here
it is."
	Since most people will have forgotten your earlier article,
(particularly since it dared to be so boring as to not have a nice, juicy
signature) this will remind them of it.  Besides, people care much more
about the signature anyway.
		-- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette

Dear Emily, what about test messages?
		-- Concerned

Dear Concerned:
	It is important, when testing, to test the entire net.  Never test
merely a subnet distribution when the whole net can be done.  Also put "please
ignore" on your test messages, since we all know that everybody always skips
a message with a line like that.  Don't use a subject like "My sex is female
but I demand to be addressed as male." because such articles are read in depth
by all USEnauts.
		-- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette

Dear Freshman,
	You don't know who I am and frankly shouldn't care, but
unknown to you we have something in common.  We are both rather
prone to mistakes.  I was elected Student Government President by
mistake, and you came to school here by mistake.

Dear Lord:
	I just want *_o_n_e* one-armed manager so I never have to hear "On
the other hand", again.

Dear Lord: Please make my words sweet and tender, for tomorrow I may
have to eat them.

Dear Miss Manners:
	My home economics teacher says that one must never place one's
elbows on the table.  However, I have read that one elbow, in between
courses, is all right.  Which is correct?

Gentle Reader:
	For the purpose of answering examinations in your home
economics class, your teacher is correct.  Catching on to this principle
of education may be of even greater importance to you now than learning
correct current table manners, vital as Miss Manners believes that is.

Dear Miss Manners:
	Please list some tactful ways of removing a man's saliva from
your face.

Gentle Reader:
	Please list some decent ways of acquiring a man's saliva on
your face ...

Dear Miss Manners:
I carry a big black umbrella, even if there's just a thirty percent chance of
rain.  May I ask a young lady who is a stranger to me to share its protection?
This morning, I was waiting for a bus in comparative comfort, my umbrella
protecting me from the downpour, and noticed an attractive young woman getting
soaked.  I have often seen her at my bus stop, although we have never spoken,
and I don't even know her name.  Could I have asked her to get under my
umbrella without seeming insulting?

Gentle Reader:
Certainly.  Consideration for those less fortunate than you is always proper,
although it would be more convincing if you stopped babbling about how
attractive she is.  In order not to give Good Samaritanism a bad name, Miss
Manners asks you to allow her two or three rainy days of unmolested protection
before making your attack.

Dear Mister Language Person: I am curious about the expression, "Part
of this complete breakfast".  The way it comes up is, my 5-year-old
will be watching TV cartoon shows in the morning, and they'll show a
commercial for a children's compressed breakfast compound such as
"Froot Loops" or "Lucky Charms", and they always show it sitting on a
table next to some actual food such as eggs, and the announcer always
says: "Part of this complete breakfast".  Don't that really mean,
"Adjacent to this complete breakfast", or "On the same table as this
complete breakfast"?  And couldn't they make essentially the same claim
if, instead of Froot Loops, they put a can of shaving cream there, or a
dead bat?

Answer: Yes.
		-- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's"

Dear Mister Language Person: What is the purpose of the apostrophe?

Answer: The apostrophe is used mainly in hand-lettered small business signs
to alert the reader than an "S" is coming up at the end of a word, as in:
WE DO NOT EXCEPT PERSONAL CHECK'S, or: NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANY ITEM'S.
Another important grammar concept to bear in mind when creating hand- lettered
small-business signs is that you should put quotation marks around random
words for decoration, as in "TRY" OUR HOT DOG'S, or even TRY "OUR" HOT DOG'S.
		-- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's"

Dear Ms. Postnews:
	I couldn't get mail through to somebody on another site.  What
	should I do?
		-- Eager Beaver

Dear Eager:
	No problem, just post your message to a group that a lot of people
read.  Say, "This is for John Smith.  I couldn't get mail through so I'm
posting it.  All others please ignore."
	This way tens of thousands of people will spend a few seconds scanning
over and ignoring your article, using up over 16 man-hours their collective
time, but you will be saved the terrible trouble of checking through usenet
maps or looking for alternate routes.  Just think, if you couldn't distribute
your message to 9000 other computers, you might actually have to (gasp) call
directory assistance for 60 cents, or even phone the person.  This can cost
as much as a few DOLLARS (!) for a 5 minute call!
	And certainly it's better to spend 10 to 20 dollars of other people's
money distributing the message than for you to have to waste $9 on an overnight
letter, or even 25 cents on a stamp!
	Don't forget.  The world will end if your message doesn't get through,
so post it as many places as you can.
		-- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette

Death before dishonor.
But neither before breakfast.

Death comes on every passing breeze,
He lurks in every flower;
Each season has its own disease,
Its peril -- every hour.
		-- Reginald Heber

Death has been proven to be 99% fatal in laboratory rats.

Death is a spirit leaving a body, sort
of like a shell leaving the nut behind.
		-- Erma Bombeck