A candidate is a person who gets money from the rich
and votes from the poor to protect them from each other.

A cannibal warrior is experiencing severe gastric distress, so he goes
to his Village Witch Doctor with his complaint.  The VWD examines him
and, concluding that something he ate disagreed with him, began to cross
examine him about his recent diet.
	"Well, I ate a missionary yesterday.  Do you think that could be
the problem?"
	The VWD says "Hmmmm."  (All doctors say "Hmmmm.")  "That could be.
Tell me a bit about this missionary."
	"Well, he was tall for a white man, wearing a brown robe.  He was
walking down the trail, not watching for danger, so I speared him, dragged
him home, cleaned him, boiled him and ate him."
	"Ah-hah!" (All doctors say "Ah-hah!")  There's your problem," smiles
the VWD.  You boiled him, but he was a friar!"

A career is great, but you can't run your fingers through its hair.

A castaway was washed ashore after many days on the open sea.  The island
on which he landed was populated by savage cannibals who tied him, dazed
and exhausted, to a thick stake.  They then proceeded to cut his arms
with their spears and drink his blood.  This continued for several days
until the castaway could stand no more.  He yelled for the cannibal chief
and declared, "You can kill me if you want to, but this torture with the
spears has got to stop.  Dammit, I'm tired of getting stuck for the drinks."

A casual stroll through a lunatic asylum shows that faith
does not prove anything.
		-- Friedrich Nietzsche

A celebrity is a person who is known for his well-knownness.

A certain amount of opposition is a help, not a hindrance.
Kites rise against the wind, not with it.

A certain monk had a habit of pestering the Grand Tortue (the only one who
had ever reached the Enlightenment 'Yond Enlightenment), by asking whether
various objects had Buddha-nature or not.  To such a question Tortue
invariably sat silent.  The monk had already asked about a bean, a lake,
and a moonlit night.  One day he brought to Tortue a piece of string, and
asked the same question.  In reply, the Grand Tortue grasped the loop
between his feet and, with a few simple manipulations, created a complex
string which he proffered wordlessly to the monk.  At that moment, the monk
was enlightened.

From then on, the monk did not bother Tortue.  Instead, he made string after
string by Tortue's method; and he passed the method on to his own disciples,
who passed it on to theirs.

A certain old cat had made his home in the alley behind Gabe's bar for some
time, subsisting on scraps and occasional handouts from the bartender.  One
evening, emboldened by hunger, the feline attempted to follow Gabe through
the back door.  Regrettably, only the his body had made it through when
the door slammed shut, severing the cat's tail at its base.  This proved too
much for the old creature, who looked sadly at Gabe and expired on the spot.
	Gabe put the carcass back out in the alley and went back to business.
The mandatory closing time arrived and Gabe was in the process of locking up
after the last customers had gone.  Approaching the back door he was startled
to see an apparition of the old cat mournfully holding its severed tail out,
silently pleading for Gabe to put the tail back on its corpse so that it could
go on to the kitty afterworld complete.
	Gabe shook his head sadly and said to the ghost, "I can't.  You know
the law -- no retailing spirits after 2:00 AM."

A Chicago salesman was about to check into a St. Louis hotel when he noticed
a very charming woman staring admiringly at him.  He walked over and spoke
with her for a few minutes, then returned to the front desk, where they checked
in as Mr. and Mrs.
	After a very pleasurable three-day stay, the man approached the front
desk and told the clerk he was checking out.  In a few minutes, he was handed
a bill for $2500.
	"There must be some mistake," the salesman said.  "I've been here for
only three days."
	"Yes, sir," the clerk replied.  "But your wife has been here a month
and a half."

A chicken is an egg's way of producing more eggs.

A child can go only so far in life without potty training.  It is not mere
coincidence that six of the last seven presidents were potty trained, not
to mention nearly half of the nation's state legislators.
		-- Dave Barry

A child of five could understand this!  Fetch me a child of five.

A chronic disposition to inquiry
deprives domestic felines of vital qualities.

A chubby man with a white beard and a red suit
will approach you soon.  Avoid him.  He's a Commie.

A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but
won't cross the street to vote in a national election.
		-- Bill Vaughan

A city is a large community where people are lonesome together.
		-- Herbert Prochnow

A clash of doctrine is not a disaster - it is an opportunity.

A classic is something that everybody wants to have read
and nobody wants to read.
		-- Mark Twain quoting Professor Winchester,
		   "The Disappearance of Literature"

A clever prophet makes sure of the event first.