A GOOD WAY TO THREATEN somebody is to light a stick of dynamite.  Then you
call the guy and hold the burning fuse to the phone.  "Hear that?" you say.
"That's dynamite, baby."
		-- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)

A gossip is one who talks to you about others, a bore is one who talks to
you about himself; and a brilliant conversationalist is one who talks to
you about yourself.
		-- Lisa Kirk

A gourmet restaurant in Cincinnati is one where you leave the tray on
the table after you eat.

A gourmet who thinks of calories is like a tart that looks at her watch.
		-- James Beard

A government that is big enough to give you all you want is big enough
to take it all away.
		-- Barry Goldwater

A grammarian's life is always intense.

A great empire, like a great cake, is most easily diminished at the edges.
		-- Benjamin Franklin

A great many people think they are thinking
when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.
		-- William James

A great nation is any mob of people which produces at least one honest
man a century.

A green hunting cap squeezed the top of the fleshy balloon of a head.  The
green earflaps, full of large ears and uncut hair and the fine bristles that
grew in the ears themselves, stuck out on either side like turn signals
indicating two directions at once.  Full, pursed lips protruded beneath the
bushy black moustache and, at their corners, sank into little folds filled
with disapproval and potato chip crumbs.  In the shadow under the green visor
of the cap Ignatius J. Reilly's supercilious blue and yellow eyes looked down
upon the other people waiting under the clock at the D. H. Holmes department
store, studying the crowd of people for signs of bad taste in dress.  Several
of the outfits, Ignatius noticed, were new enough and expensive enough to be
properly considered offenses against taste and decency.  Possession of
anything new or expensive only reflected a person's lack of theology and
geometry; it could even cast doubts upon one's soul.
		-- John Kennedy Toole, "Confederacy of Dunces"

A group of politicians deciding to dump a President because his morals
are bad is like the Mafia getting together to bump off the Godfather for
not going to church on Sunday.
		-- Russell Baker

A guilty conscience is the mother of invention.
		-- Carolyn Wells

A guy has to get fresh once in a while
so a girl doesn't lose her confidence.

A hacker does for love what others would not do for money.

A halted retreat
Is nerve-wracking and dangerous.
To retain people as men -- and maidservants
Brings good fortune.

A hammer sometimes misses its mark - a bouquet never.

A handful of friends is worth more than a wagon of gold.

A handful of patience is worth more than a bushel of brains.

A healthy male adult bore consumes each year one and a half times his own
weight in other people's patience.
		-- John Updike

A help wanted add for a photo journalist asked the rhetorical question:

If you found yourself in a situation where you could either save
a drowning man, or you could take a Pulitzer prize winning
photograph of him drowning, what shutter speed and setting would
you use?

		-- Paul Harvey