I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it.
		-- Mae West

I get my exercise acting as pallbearer to my friends who exercise.
		-- Chauncey Depew

I get up each morning, gather my wits.
Pick up the paper, read the obits.
If I'm not there I know I'm not dead.
So I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed.

Oh, how do I know my youth is all spent?
My get-up-and-go has got-up-and-went.
But in spite of it all, I'm able to grin,
And think of the places my get-up has been.
		-- Pete Seeger

I give you the man who -- the man who -- uh, I forgets the man who?
		-- Beauregard Bugleboy

I go on working for the same reason a hen goes on laying eggs.
		-- H. L. Mencken

I go the way that Providence dictates.
		-- Adolf Hitler

I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose.  Now
when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and
farther, trying to see it clearly)...  and says, "Here, you can go."
		-- Steven Wright

I got the bill for my surgery.  Now I know what those doctors were
wearing masks for.
		-- James Boren

I got this powdered water -- now I don't know what to add.
		-- Steven Wright

I got tired of listening to the recording on the phone at the movie
theater.  So I bought the album.  I got kicked out of a theater the
other day for bringing my own food in.  I argued that the concession
stand prices were outrageous.  Besides, I hadn't had a barbecue in a
long time.  I went to the theater and the sign said adults $5 children
$2.50.  I told them I wanted 2 boys and a girl.  I once took a cab to
a drive-in movie.  The movie cost me $95.
		-- Steven Wright

I got vision, and the rest of the world wears bifocals.
		-- Butch Cassidy

I GUESS I KINDA LOST CONTROL because in the middle of the play I ran up
and lit the evil puppet villain on fire.

No, I didn't. Just kidding.  I just said that to illustrate one of the
human emotions which is freaking out.  Another emotion is greed, as when
you kill someone for money or something like that.  Another emotion is
generosity, as when you pay someone double what he paid for his stupid
puppet.
		-- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)

I GUESS I'LL NEVER FORGET HER.  And maybe I don't want to.  Her spirit
was wild, like a wild monkey.  Her beauty was like a beautiful horse
being ridden by a wild monkey.  I forget her other qualities.
		-- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)

I guess I've been so wrapped up in playing the game that I never took
time enough to figure out where the goal line was -- what it meant to
win -- or even how you won.
		-- Cash McCall

I guess I've been wrong all my life, but so have billions of
other people...  Certainty is just an emotion.
		-- Hal Clement

I GUESS OF ALL MY UNCLES, I liked Uncle Caveman the best. We called him
Uncle Caveman because he lived in a cave and because sometimes he'd eat
one of us.  Later, we found out he was a bear.
		-- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)

I guess the Little League is even littler than we thought.
		-- D. Cavett

I GUESS WE WERE ALL GUILTY, in a way.  We shot him, we skinned him, and
we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, "I helped skin Bob."
		-- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)

I had a dream last night...
I dreamt about 1976.
I dreamt about a country with incurable brain damage...
I even dreamt they gave it a heart transplant.
Then I woke up and I knew it was only a nightmare...
so I went back to sleep again.
		-- Ralph Steadman, "Fear and Loathing '72"

I had a feeling once about mathematics -- that I saw it all.  Depth beyond
depth was revealed to me -- the Byss and the Abyss. I saw -- as one might
see the transit of Venus or even the Lord Mayor's Show -- a quantity passing
through infinity and changing its sign from plus to minus.  I saw exactly
why it happened and why tergiversation was inevitable -- but it was after
dinner and I let it go.
		-- Winston Churchill