I have a hobby.  I have the world's largest collection of sea shells.
I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world.  Maybe you've seen
some of it.
		-- Steven Wright

I have a little shadow that goes in and out with me,
And what can be the use of him is more than I can see.
He is very, very like me from the heels up to the head;
And I see him jump before me, when I jump into my bed.

The funniest thing about him is the way he likes to grow--
Not at all like proper children, which is always very slow;
For he sometimes shoots up taller, like an india-rubber ball,
And he sometimes gets so little that there's none of him at all.
		-- Robert Louis Stevenson

I have a map of the United States.  It's actual size.
I spent last summer folding it.
People ask me where I live, and I say, "E6".
		-- Steven Wright

I have a rock garden.  Last week three of them died.
		-- Richard Diran

I have a switch in my apartment that doesn't do anything.  Every once
in a while I turn it on and off.  On and off.  On and off.  One day I
got a call from a woman in France who said "Cut it out!"
		-- Steven Wright

I have a terrible headache, I was putting on toilet water and the lid fell.

I have a theory that it's impossible to prove anything,
but I can't prove it.

I have a very firm grasp on reality!  I can reach out and strangle it
any time!

I have a very strange feeling about this...
		-- Luke Skywalker

I have already given two cousins to the war and I stand ready to
sacrifice my wife's brother.
		-- Artemus Ward

I have always noticed that whenever a radical takes
to Imperialism, he catches it in a very acute form.
		-- Winston Churchill, 1903

I have an existential map.  It has "You are here" written all over it.
		-- Steven Wright

I have become me without my consent.

I have come up with a surefire concept for a hit television show, which
would be called "A Live Celebrity Gets Eaten by a Shark."
		-- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV"

I have defined the hundred per cent American as ninety-nine per
cent an idiot.
		-- George Bernard Shaw

I have discovered that all human evil comes from this, man's being unable
to sit still in a room.
		-- Blaise Pascal

I have discovered the art of deceiving diplomats.
I tell them the truth and they never believe me.
		-- Camillo Di Cavour

I have found it impossible to carry the heavy burden of responsibility and
to discharge my duties as king as I would wish to do without the help and
support of the woman I love.
		-- Edward, Duke of Windsor, announcing his abdication
		   of the British throne in order to marry the American
		   divorcee Wallis Warfield Simpson. (1936)

I have found little that is good about human beings.  In my experience
most of them are trash.
		-- Sigmund Freud

I have gained this by philosophy:
that I do without being commanded what others
do only from fear of the law.
		-- Aristotle