I had a virgin once.  I had to go to Guatemala for her.  She was blind
in one eye, and she had a stuffed alligator that said, "Welcome to Miami
Beach."
		-- The Stunt Man

I had another dream the other day about government financial management
people.  They were small and rodent-like with padlocked ears, as if they
had stepped out of a painting by Goya.

I had another dream the other day about music critics.  They were small
and rodent-like with padlocked ears, as if they had stepped out of a
painting by Goya.
		-- Stravinsky

I had never been too political, but I knew how white people treated black
people and it was hard for me to come back to the bullshit white people
put a black person through in this country.  To realize you don't have any
power to make things different is a bitch.
		-- Miles Davis

I had no shoes and I pitied myself.  Then I met a man who had no feet,
so I took his shoes.
		-- Dave Barry

I had the rare misfortune of being one of the first people to try and
implement a PL/1 compiler.
		-- T. Cheatham

I had to censor everything my sons watched ... even on the Mary Tyler
Moore show I heard the word "damn!"
		-- Mary Lou Bax

I had to hit him -- he was starting to make sense.

I hate babies.  They're so human.
		-- H. H. Munro

I hate dying.
		-- Dave Johnson

I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day cause that means
it's going to be up all night.
		-- Steven Wright

I hate mankind, for I think myself one of the best of them,
and I know how bad I am.
		-- Samuel Johnson

I hate quotations.
		-- Ralph Waldo Emerson

I hate small towns because once you've seen the cannon in the park
there's nothing else to do.
		-- Lenny Bruce

I hate trolls.  Maybe I could metamorph it into something else -- like a
ravenous, two-headed, fire-breathing dragon.
		-- Willow

I have a box of telephone rings under my bed.  Whenever I get lonely, I
open it up a little bit, and I get a phone call.  One day I dropped the
box all over the floor.  The phone wouldn't stop ringing.  I had to get
it disconnected.  So I got a new phone.  I didn't have much money, so I
had to get an irregular.  It doesn't have a five.  I ran into a friend
of mine on the street the other day.  He said why don't you give me a
call.  I told him I can't call everybody I want to anymore, my phone
doesn't have a five.  He asked how long had it been that way.  I said I
didn't know -- my calendar doesn't have any sevens.
		-- Steven Wright

I have a dog; I named him Stay.  So when I'd go to call him, I'd say, "Here,
Stay, here..." but he got wise to that.  Now when I call him he ignores me
and just keeps on typing.
		-- Steven Wright

I have a dream.  I have a dream that one day, on the red hills of Georgia,
the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slaveowners will be able to
sit down together at the table of brotherhood.
		-- Martin Luther King, Jr.

I have a friend whose a billionaire.  He invented Cliff's notes.  When
I asked him how he got such a great idea he said, "Well first I...
I just... to make a long story short..."
		-- Steven Wright

I have a hard time being attracted to anyone who can beat me up.
		-- John McGrath, Atlanta sportswriter, on women weightlifters